Catching Feelings?

I must confess...

There are strong emotions...

August proved to be a highly intense month, requiring a considerable amount of time to process all that happened. I intentionally distanced myself from him for two consecutive weeks. It was a process that lasted almost 6 months, during which he came to the realization that we shouldn't overemphasize the days we spend together...only once a week is more than enough...

I am not willing to accept it, nor do I appreciate it...

This month seems endless and scorching, with unbearable heat that makes me reluctant to step outside. Our encounters around the building have been scarce, as I have taken measures to protect myself, even avoiding looking out of the window and limiting my outings. Nico is away on vacation with his father, leaving me feeling constantly depressed, sad, and angry...hating all this feelings...too many to process...

During the month of July, I was present for Fabrizio despite battling my own feelings... However, out of 5 Fridays, I only encountered him 3 times this month of augut, we saw each other too many times in july, had to stop that, and truth be told, I wasn't eager to meet him.

When I'm struggling and consumed by negativity, I tend to isolate myself and avoid interactions. I suppress my emotions and distance myself from others when I'm not in a good place emotionally.

Fabrizio sensed that he was losing touch with me based on our limited communication, but he soon realized that I was not feeling well. He stayed here at my house for over 6 hours, even sleeping on my sofa as if he were at his home...but let me start from the beginning...

I was feeling stuck and blocked, so I decided to resume my training routine, managed to gain weight. Despite being hindered by pain from pushing too hard, the initial week was challenging, requiring the use of various medications, including muscle relaxants, to keep me going.

On the first Friday of the month, Fabrizio called, eager to know my whereabouts at 9 o'clock in the evening. I was at a jazz bar with 5 friends, having a great time and joking around. I informed him that I would be home around midnight, inviting him to join me if he wished.

Despite being a bit tipsy, I managed to keep myself composed to avoid saying anything that might be misunderstood. It was a fun night, and as it neared midnight, I bid farewell to my friends who headed to another bar in Chueca.

Upon my arrival, I promptly messaged him to inform him. With alcohol in my system, I drank water in an attempt to alleviate the dizziness. I then took a brief shower and applied oils to my body to ease the muscle pain. Today, I indulged, unable to resist...

After approximately 30 minutes, he arrived and explained his delayed entrance. He embraced me so tightly that had I been lighter or less muscular, I might have been injured. How much I long for you? It's amusing, I enjoyed it... What is happening?? I'll attribute it to the alcohol...

He refrained from drinking or smoking, which is awesome. This Friday will be the first without smoking for him. He is managing his emotions well and is not battling inner turmoil, unaware that I am currently in conflict with myself...

He lifted me off the ground with the yearning of someone who hadn't seen me in a month or more. He quickly undressed me and gazed at me with a warm, desire-filled expression...

My t-shirt ended up on the floor, I felt embarrassed and shy after him looking to me for such a long time and as I picked up and tossed the t-shirt to keep myself busy onto the armchair. He undressed slowly while keeping his eyes on me, already feeling extremely aroused. He was Dressed all in black, he exuded a captivating sexiness. I was getting turned on, I took his hand and showed him the effect he had on me... he became wild and kissed me passionately. Though I wanted to lead him to the bedroom, he laid me down on the sofa, kissing every inch of my body, making me feel intensely raw emotions... the TV's reflection on his body, accompanied by the perfect music in the background.

"Oh my god, I almost said I love you... Hera, what's happening to you??"

Finally, he laid on top of me and penetrated me deeply and fiercely, causing me a mix of pain and pleasure. I wanted to moan and scream, but his aggressive and savage kiss silenced any sound... that was it, a missionary position for the first hour. I checked the time after we finished, he maintained the rhythm, penetrating me deeply with a force that drove me wild with desire... the kisses prevented any moans from escaping, my lips felt sore and tired from so much kissing, yet I didn't want it to end. I climaxed just from his penetration, making him wet, and I had to push him away, but he immediately went back in... he didn't notice, it didn't matter, and he continued to thrust forcefully while kissing me as if nothing had occurred. When he reached climax, he kept kissing me, breathing heavily, with a muffled moan between our pressed-together lips...

He finished and went to wash himself and I went to do the same on the other toilet…

I thought he would leave, but no...he lays down on his corner of the sofa and I lay down on mine with my leg stretched out...he puts his foot against mine...we're both dressed and we start talking about the videos we were watching...I feel that he wants to touch me more so I decide to lie on top of him...between kisses and laughter, he says...

"I like you so much Hera, I would like to understand and know if what I feel is reciprocal..." I start to make fun of his cuteness but feel myself like a silly teenager trying to divert the subject...he understands and doesn't force the conversation...

But we were lying like that for more than an hour and feeling so comfortable and happy... when he sees the time and realizes that he had been there for more than 3 hours, he says that he has to leave and that he had to sleep because the next day he had things to do... but he said he loved being with me... that I'm good for him...he feels secure and accepted....

After his departure, I disconnected from everything and avoided processing what just happened. I slept for about four hours and went for a run as soon as I woke up. The neighborhood and building appeared eerie, with most people away on vacation, which suited me perfectly.

The week passed by swiftly, filled with meetings and social gatherings to keep me occupied as I didn't want to be alone due to feeling unwell emotionally. Suddenly, it was Friday again. Throughout the week, I exchanged messages with Fabrizio for a few hours on Tuesday, but I found the conversations unsatisfactory. He mentioned that his girlfriend wanted to have a baby with him, triggering my jealousy once again. Despite this, I tried to give him good advice, while controlling my emotions..he was defnitely testing my patience. The thought of him having a kid and getting married...i am already carrying so many traumas made me reflect on my own situation over the year.

Honestly, I didn't want him to come on Friday, but after finishing a bottle of wine alone, my body craved his presence. He called and came over immediately. We made love that day, and i don't know why, indulging in a slow and tender half-hour filled with kisses and compliments that felt unfamiliar but right. I found myself connecting with him in a way that it was confusing, because with him I prefer rough and passionate sex as it makes me feel desired without the pressure of falling in love.

The issue arose following the moments of intimacy. He didn't allow me to get dressed or clean up, instead he was laying down on top of me, hearing my heartbeats. He kissed me and, with a penetrating gaze, inquired about my emotions and what his body was telling me in that instant. Although reluctant to speak, I managed to communicate that our way of expressing love was quite similar. i tried to change subject, but he persisted, asking, "Is it merely a love language, or does it transcend the language to pure love? Your heart is racing... Can you sense the warmth of my body?" Through his words, he was expressing his love for me, a sentiment I fully understood.

I started to slow down and our hearts got into the same rhythm and he laid his head in the middle of my chest, and I started to say what he wanted to hear... what I felt about him and at that moment how beautiful it was... I spoke spontaneously and without thinking much. .I basically deceived the boy i think…. All I had to do was say that I loved him…but that would be a lie, but i knew he wanted to hear that, i felt the pressure…I don't love anyone but my son…I don't even deserve anything he was saying i felt…he didn't say everything he wanted in words, but I understood by his actions and the what he was doing and how he looked at me...he was acting like a man in love and he was waiting for me to say let's be together...it was a good moment but at the same time uncomfortable...if it weren't for the drunkenness I think i would have asked him to leave after the sex… but again we said goodbye in a nice and cute way afterwards… weird…i felt bad.

During that week, I refrained from contacting him at all, feeling completely overwhelmed by what had happened last time we were together... Despite not seeing him around the building or noticing any lights on at his house, I was certain he was there. Occasionally, I caught glimpses of him through his darkened window, trying to discern who I was speaking to on the phone. the following Friday, he tried to contact me, but I only noticed his messages and missed calls three hours later, feeling disoriented due to the low-grade wine I had consumed the night before. Sensing my unwell state, he opted not to push for a visit. Another week swiftly passed with me repeating the same pattern of avoidance. However, on a Wednesday when I was feeling down and needed to confide in someone, he became the recipient of my emotional burden. I poured out my heart about the surgery, Nico's father's betrayal, my ongoing grief over losing loved ones, and more. His supportive messages praising me and expressing his fondness for me, along with his reassurance of always being there for me, prompted me to halt my communication.

But on the last Friday of the month, he called me. I didn't even notice him when I passed by him that Friday, neither him nor his sister.

It seems like he's worried again that he might have lost me, but that's not the case. I was focusing on managing my emotions, using alcohol and exercise to cope, avoiding him with all my strength. On Monday, he tried to get my attention everytime i was going up and down, with all my windows open because of the housework i am doing. He changed his clothes five times each time i saw him. Then the last time I saw him, he was with his girlfriend, looking down and hardly recognizable. He looked up discretely but i hid myself as i was by the window...This boy is clearly a victim of domestic violence...

On Friday, I returned home from work feeling upset after a tough day. I was really in need of some wine. I was dressed in all black with a blue blouse on top. When I arrived, I noticed someone had parked in my designated parking spot, which infuriated me. I didn't know who the driver was, but they moved their car when they saw me approaching. Without looking at the driver, I parked my car and headed inside. As I got out of the car, I overheard the driver asking someone if the girl was coming, and the person in front of me was staring at me intently. I greeted her, still feeling upset, and she replied quietly. Although I recognized the driver's voice, they were already far away, and I didn't bother to turn around. With my sunglasses on and clearly in a bad mood, I quickly entered the building. I wondered why the driver said that about the girl if he could see she was right in front of me. It dawned on me that it was probably to grab my attention, but I chose to ignore it...because i recognized the voice...it was Fabrizio..

There were people painting inside my house with the door open all day as I was just passing through on my way to go for a run. One of the individuals present was a friend in charge of the work, who noticed Fabrizio with a birthday cake. She mentioned that he seemed to be celebrating someone´s birthday as he had received multiple cakes and snacks. Fabrizio was seen going up and down several times, always glancing into my apartment. My friend even pointed out that he was dressed similarly to me, i think he had seen me in the morning when I left. I had a feeling of being watched when I got into my car, wearing black and blue, the same shade of blue he had it too. The friend showed me a video she had taken of Fabrizio because she found this coincidence to be quite amusing.

I was annoyed by the foolishness and trained with a sense of animosity, engaging in an intense hour-long session that seemed to fly by unnoticed. Later, I went to a friend´s house where we drank until midnight. Upon returning home, I fell asleep deeply, but woke up at 4 am feeling dizzy and incredibly thirsty. Checking my phone for the time, I noticed a voice note on Whats App from Fabrizio, who had sent a snippet of a song I adore, more than an hour earlier. I replied to the song, he asked if i was home, so i confirmed I was, and shortly after, he called me sounding somewhat incoherent, likely also under the influence of alcohol. He asked for help to enter the building, so I passed him the key through the window, although it took me a while to grasp the situation..

A few minutes later, he arrived at my door, and I hesitated to open the gate. Eventually, I unlocked it, realizing he wanted to come in. After entering, he headed straight to the toilet and spent about 5 minutes there, then he approached me by the window and wordlessly initiated a kiss that conveyed his intentions. We both undressed, exchanged a few words that brought a smile to his face, and ended up on the sofa naked. Our intimate moment took different positions, with him standing and me on all fours, then on top, and finally on my side. As he urged me to climax, he dozed off midway through. I waited quietly for him to wake up, a scenario not unfamiliar when he visits me inebriated. He showered me with kisses on the forehead, embracing me as if fulfilling an unspoken desire. Following 15 days of avoidance, our encounter felt like a form of penance, i dont want him to suffer like that...

While I was on top of him, engaged in continuous position changes, he stared at me and called me his whore, questioning if I was his. I remained silent, meeting his gaze, wondering what he truly wanted to hear.

I attempted to decipher his feelings, to gauge his current state of mind...he didn't appear to be in a good place. At one point, as I lay on my back on the sofa, he stood in front of me, I grasped his neck and he kept looking at me and penetrating me...and kissing my foot...he kissed me with fervor on my forehead and lips...but after over an hour had passed, I felt dry...he resorted to using saliva to moisten the tip of his penis, urging and asking me to climax...i was feeling intoxicated and exhausted...after enduring a terrible day...exasperated with him, for reasons I couldn't even fathom...

Reaching orgasm took a long time, and I was feeling completely overwhelmed. It felt like I had been training for over 3 hours with the intensity of the experience draining my energy. However, after 15 days without any sexual activity, I was already anticipating such a reaction. The longer time went by, the more passionate and demanding he became. If I wasn't experiencing so much physical and emotional pain, feeling blocked and indifferent, the situation would have been much better. I had mentally prepared myself to never see him again 15 days ago, I couldn't comprehend why he once again tried to break the agreement. It seems like he wants a romantic relationship based on the signals he sends, without the need for words. I understand his intentions and his character... why would he want to confuse our feelings?

He lays down, I gave him water and he fell asleep... I lay down... I slept for more than an hour, until my alarm went off and it was 7:30am... I woke up and saw him curled up, he looked cold, I tried to wake him up. Without success, I decided to cover him up and sorted out his clothes that had been thrown on the floor... mine i didn't even know where they were... I noticed his underwear... what kind of underwear is that? And on top of that red…with rockets? I wanted to laugh...but I held it together and I thought I should send him to his house...but he was heavily sleeping on the sofa and even started snoring...sometimes he said things I didn't understand...and he let out some farts that made me laugh softly so I wouldn't wake him up...I thought he was beautiful, perfect, sleeping there...why won't he leave me alone? Enough... I don't even look for him, I don't contact him... I've stopped answering his calls and messages so many times, and he doesn't give up... I want to go back with Nico's father... I really do... at least I know what to expect...this is new!

Why is he attempting to evoke these unfamiliar emotions when I am apprehensive about intimacy and steer clear of jealousy? Thats why i avoid him....

I appreciated Fabrizio's body and face, oh, a hot, fit young man...it was 8:30 am and his maid came up and I heard her knocking on his door...oh yeah...Fabrizio and I live on the same floor...sometimes I forget that...I panic because I think who will open the door? She knocked on the door for a few long minutes and I tried to wake him up and asked if the woman had a key...he said no and let her wait...he adjusted himself even more and I stayed there trying to wake him up, patting the back of his head. and kissing him on the back of his neck and head...but I smelled him for more than 10 minutes and ran away...it smelled so good and was familiar...it smelled like my pillow and man's perfume...I noticed that the maid went inside the house, maybe his sister was home...his cell phone started ringing...he just wasn't answering...I was getting worried...but fascinated by his beauty...so manly, such a man...why do I run away and avoid him? Any woman would go crazy for him...

As he lays there, he reminded me of my father, perhaps due to the beard and mustache, his dark brown complex manly profile, full luscious lips..huge and strong arms. This young man is a significant issue.

I discovered that it was his girlfriend's birthday that friday and the cake was for her when i arrived. However, he was wearing a party bracelet, indicating that he attended both his girlfriend's birthday and another party. He arrived late and then came to me. He should have slept with his girlfriend and i thought ythat day he would leave me alone... yet he appeared more peaceful lying on my sofa than when he first arrived. He finds peace with me, feeling at ease and at home. He insisted on sleeping there,but i heard before he couldn't sleep outside his house, making it the second time he sleeps there. He is behaving completely opposite to what I had anticipated.

At 10 am, he woke up and talked to a friend who overheard me speaking to him. He must now be aware of me...that friend of his...

He awkwardly inquired about his actions, and I recounted everything to him while laughing. I watched him dress while sitting on my sofa, dressed in black on top and blue pants, looking sexy and hot. I felt proud of myself. I had to ensure he left discreetly to avoid any unexpected encounters by anyone on the building.

August was a period of intensity and strangeness, with minimal interaction but strong emotions felt...I am hopeful for a better September...I am striving to comprehend these evolving feelings, transitioning from mere desire to something deeper...I must continue to restrain myself and distance further from him...yet, I am concerned for his well-being...

All I seek is his companionship...he appears composed but his emotions seem muddled...HELP!!